Broken Praetorian

Her heart is about to burst. A few blocks behind, someone starts to scream. Thumping waves of deep bass precede shattering glass, crumbling walls, then silence. Her breaths are long and loud. The overpass road ahead wraps close to the street she is running on, but both roads are extremely high up, and the jump will be a long shot even for an adult. She doesn’t slow down at all, and would have missed spectacularly.

A young vagabond standing within the girders of the overpass sees what she means to do and leaps to her aid just as her hands sail past. They dangle and desperately grasp each other for a few moments as a cargo hauler speeds by a few highway levels down. The wind sucks her legs into a wide pendulum and he pulls them into a heap. The boys face is ashen and streaked with tears. Gasps of air become dumbfounded chuckles. They start to unwind their bodies and he barks a laugh of stunned surprise that she has survived. She returns the smile for a moment, and then his head explodes.

Across the gap of roads is a very large machine, bristling with weapons. It resembles a huge cat, and strides towards the urban cliff between them. It’s head and optic bulges track her position steadily. The leap that the girl barely made becomes a lazy hop as the machine advances on her. It draws close, shoving it’s head toward her. She doesn’t move but she starts to sob. One of the protrusions on the robot’s head makes a snapping motion, getting a close look at her body. Then, almost like a monkey, the robot rolls back on it’s haunches, and begins to look around, completely ignoring her.

She looks down on the boy, tears blurring the horror of it. He was older than her, maybe 16. He obviously slept here, on a mat, on this giant I-beam. She was sick of crying. Rage takes hold, repaints her face. “Bad!” She screams at the monster. “No! No! No!”. She waves her finger, and only when she tries to hit it, does the robot move, blindingly fast, away from the small fists. It snags her arms, and holds them until she stops thrashing. She eventually sags onto it’s great big hands, as it holds her up.

Like a parent it carefully extracts itself. It stands up, and vaguely looks like a massive man spreading his arms waiting for a hug. Panels on the machine’s torso, arms, and legs retract, each space within is sculpted to perfectly accommodate her body. “I won’t do it!” She yells up at the hulk. She looks miserable, ready to cry again. It doesn’t move. Sirens begin to wail in the distance. It’s head snaps to watch the approaching lights, and various objects on the robots body begin to whir and hum. The cops wouldn’t know what hit them. She turns around and lets the metal beast wrap her within it’s limbs. “Get us out of here.”

February 2011

by Paul Weaver, Copyright © 2011

Cabin Pressure

The trainers will tell you that you should pee before being strapped in.  They also tell you that after you pee, you shouldn’t drink any more liquids.  Especially not after putting the suit on.  The reason, they say, is highly technical, but it boils down to, “What you’re wearing is not magical. It’s not a ‘stillsuit’.  And you’re not wearing it for fucking long anyway.”  

What they don’t tell you is how nervous you’re going to be…how your tongue will swell in your mouth like a baseball and feel as arid as the Mojave.  Waiting around the installation for something to happen, when life and death is on the line, has a way of doing that to you.

Because my mouth was dry, and because i was nervous, i thought there couldn’t be too much harm in having a drink of water. 

So here I am a few hundred feet above the earth.  My back, neck, head, and ass are currently parallel to the dirt I’m getting ready to leave behind.  Bertha The Bitch, the Big Bitch from Bendoverton, strapped me in so tight my ribcage feels fused to my lungs and not an inch of movement is possible.

She strapped me in so tight; I don’t think the blood in my brain will make it back to my lungs to re-oxygenate.

She strapped me in so tight; I believe my bladder is about to freakin’ burst.

Fuck.

So here we are.  T-minus-whatever-the-hell, and I have to pee.  It’s a mental thing.  That’s all.  It has to be.  

I suddenly flash back to the technical reason why someone shouldn’t drink before a launch.  I vividly recall the conclusion of the speech, “Besides, after you’re in the cockpit ready to launch, no one wants to hear that the ‘Mission Specialist Whiny-Ass-Titty-Baby’ needs to have a pee-pee break.”

I’m so preoccupied with the thought that I miss the legendary countdown.  

Think for a moment.  Hearing the words, “T-minus-5, 4, 3, 2, 1.  Ignition.  Blast-off.”  These are basic, preparatory terms.  Their subtext is simple, “Get ready. Shit’s about to happen all over the place up in here.”  Put yourself in my shoes.  You feel the insane need to urinate.  Pressure builds within your bladder.  Your legs, already locked together, are strapped in and cannot move anymore.  Your body cannot wretch, cannot writhe around to find a comfortable spot. You can’t bend over further to lessen the urge.  And at your most uncomfortable moment, the entire world lurches forward with the power of multiple Earth’s worth of gravity.  

That pressure is on your face, your chest, your stomach, and oh Holy Lord, on your bladder as well.

We made it to space in once piece, and all things considered it was a nice trip.   I peed way before I ever saw black sky, and peed like I had never peed before. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, as soon as my harness was undone, I threw up all over the cabin.  

The rest of the trip was fairly normal.  We got a lot of work done and things went swimmingly.

Until I ate too much before the landing.

Josh Doss
February 2011